year of 25: day 2

for christmas one year my dad gave my siblings and me this thing called a visa buxx card. for holidays, graduations, and birthdays he is able to put money onto it from a computer (no matter where he is) and we can spend it anywhere that accepts a credit card. it is not unusual for us to say "dad put money on my card" when a gift giving time rolls around. but this year, i got an e-mail saying "funds have been transferred to your account". and that's all i got from my dad. no phone call. no text or e-mail. no card.

i waited all day. i am furious with my father and have ignored his last two texts to me but only because i feel as though he needs to see how angry i am. telling my father anything doesn't usually get through to him. i wanted him to feel isolated. to have some sort of tangible proof that i am disappointed in his behavior. i never thought that he would blow me off on my birthday.

for instance, say me and one of my friends had a huge falling out, just weeks before their birthday. i would never pass up the chance to say happy birthday to them. especially if there was any chance that i was sorry for the things that had transpired between us. moments like birthdays are an easy segway into conversation when things have been rough. it is your excuse to talk to someone. everyone knows that.

the fact that my father didn't take this time to say hey, i am thinking of you is heartbreaking to me. alas, that is the kind of person he is. he does not reach out. he never has and he probably never will.

that, i can accept. of course i can. i expect people to take me for what i am, so how could i ask any more or less from someone else. but it's worse. it gets so much worse. that is just the insult to my already glaring injury. for example, for my brother john's birthday, my father threw him a surprise party at his house. my grandparents were there, his girlfriend and best friend came down from albany, and everyone had a grand old time. i wasn't invited to this party much less even told about it. not only that, but i was then sent an e-mail from my stepmother telling how much fun they had with a whole array of pictures attached.

my father has a lot to learn. i just don't think he wants to. i think he is perfectly happy snuggled away in maryland with his new wife and baby. don't get me started on the wife. but let me tell you about the baby. he is my brother. he is not even 2 years old yet. i love him and i know that we are 23 years apart. how will we relate to one another? i don't think my father even cares. i definitely don't think the idea of him being almost 70 when jackson goes to college came to him either. he never thinks of anyone but himself and he certainly doesn't evaluate the impact of his decisions on other people.

this morning at 5:45 i got a text from my dad, "i put 75 on your visa buxx card 4 your birthday sorry we have not been able to talk. love dad" why? the day after my birthday? was that to spite me? why couldn't you have sent something, ANYTHING on my birthday. i went to sleep crying last night. my face hurt so badly i didn't even want to stay awake. my father has no idea the kind of stress and pain he has caused me and i don't know if, despite me telling him, he'll ever truly know. i don't think he'll want to hear it and if he does he'll somehow find a way to reason to himself that it's my mother's doing.

it would have been nice for him to come visit me when i had my surgery, or to offer some help to me when i told him i was laid off. perhaps getting to know the man i said i wanted to marry or meeting his parents.

i guess we can just start with inviting me to a surprise party for my brother. maybe if he could get a handle on an idea like that, everything else would follow naturally.