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the world is not enough, but it is such a perfect place to start.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

year of 25: day 2

for christmas one year my dad gave my siblings and me this thing called a visa buxx card. for holidays, graduations, and birthdays he is able to put money onto it from a computer (no matter where he is) and we can spend it anywhere that accepts a credit card. it is not unusual for us to say "dad put money on my card" when a gift giving time rolls around. but this year, i got an e-mail saying "funds have been transferred to your account". and that's all i got from my dad. no phone call. no text or e-mail. no card.

i waited all day. i am furious with my father and have ignored his last two texts to me but only because i feel as though he needs to see how angry i am. telling my father anything doesn't usually get through to him. i wanted him to feel isolated. to have some sort of tangible proof that i am disappointed in his behavior. i never thought that he would blow me off on my birthday.

for instance, say me and one of my friends had a huge falling out, just weeks before their birthday. i would never pass up the chance to say happy birthday to them. especially if there was any chance that i was sorry for the things that had transpired between us. moments like birthdays are an easy segway into conversation when things have been rough. it is your excuse to talk to someone. everyone knows that.

the fact that my father didn't take this time to say hey, i am thinking of you is heartbreaking to me. alas, that is the kind of person he is. he does not reach out. he never has and he probably never will.

that, i can accept. of course i can. i expect people to take me for what i am, so how could i ask any more or less from someone else. but it's worse. it gets so much worse. that is just the insult to my already glaring injury. for example, for my brother john's birthday, my father threw him a surprise party at his house. my grandparents were there, his girlfriend and best friend came down from albany, and everyone had a grand old time. i wasn't invited to this party much less even told about it. not only that, but i was then sent an e-mail from my stepmother telling how much fun they had with a whole array of pictures attached.

my father has a lot to learn. i just don't think he wants to. i think he is perfectly happy snuggled away in maryland with his new wife and baby. don't get me started on the wife. but let me tell you about the baby. he is my brother. he is not even 2 years old yet. i love him and i know that we are 23 years apart. how will we relate to one another? i don't think my father even cares. i definitely don't think the idea of him being almost 70 when jackson goes to college came to him either. he never thinks of anyone but himself and he certainly doesn't evaluate the impact of his decisions on other people.

this morning at 5:45 i got a text from my dad, "i put 75 on your visa buxx card 4 your birthday sorry we have not been able to talk. love dad" why? the day after my birthday? was that to spite me? why couldn't you have sent something, ANYTHING on my birthday. i went to sleep crying last night. my face hurt so badly i didn't even want to stay awake. my father has no idea the kind of stress and pain he has caused me and i don't know if, despite me telling him, he'll ever truly know. i don't think he'll want to hear it and if he does he'll somehow find a way to reason to himself that it's my mother's doing.

it would have been nice for him to come visit me when i had my surgery, or to offer some help to me when i told him i was laid off. perhaps getting to know the man i said i wanted to marry or meeting his parents.

i guess we can just start with inviting me to a surprise party for my brother. maybe if he could get a handle on an idea like that, everything else would follow naturally.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

today's my birthday! listen up rugratz...

instead of getting me a present, get yourself a present.

have an amazing day. smile to everyone you see and open a door for someone. save the gossip and backstabbing for tomorrow. pick up a piece of trash. call your momma. eat some vegetables. spread some love and joy and don't forget to say thank you once in a while.

i love you guys.

stay safe!


Friday, May 22, 2009

big parties and why i love my family.

tomorrow is jared's graduation party. over 60 people have RSVP'd and there is catering for 100 people coming. my mom, bob, brother, sister, brother's girlfriend, and sister's boyfriend are all coming! yeeeeeees. i miss my family so much and totally relish in the time that i get to spend with them. things have been rough for my family lately and what always keeps us together is the quality time we spend with one another.

lately, i have been completely cut off from my father. i know that because of the fact that my brother lives with my dad, it must be really hard for this to be happening. i am choosing not to speak to my dad now because i don't think that anything positive can come from a conversation with him. he's not ready to take responsibility for his actions (or inactions) or apologize and even if he did, i wouldn't be ready to accept it.

the last time i called my father, i was leaving him a voicemail and about 12 seconds into it i started bawling my eyes out. i told him that i couldn't take the stress he was putting my family through any more and that due to that stress i was now back on anxiety medication. now just talking about my dad makes me dizzy. just writing this is increasing my heart rate. since leaving this message, my dad took his sweet ass time returning my call. the fact that he couldn't even return my call in a timely fashion was a clear sign to me that i do not register very high on his list of priorities. it is just far too painful for me to think about him. i do not like my step-mother and i am not optomistic about my future with my baby brother.

the silver lining to this raging rain cloud is that i think it has brought my sister and i closer together. my father and her have been having their own issues and i think she sees everyone else around her as a much more valuable presence in her life. i am thankful for this. this time last year i would have said that my sister had set a course to sail away from me and now the winds of change are returning her back where she belongs, right by my side.

as far as my brother goes, i will always love him. he knows that. but his agenda has always been one to keep the family all together no matter. i am hoping that the subject of my father does not come up. i don't want it to create a wedge between me and john. my heart would break if it created even the slightest crack in our relationship.

the fact of the matter is that my father has made so many bad decisions and he will probably never own up to them in a way that will make me feel as though his regret is sincere. i honestly don't even want to write about this anymore.

so ANYWAY! tomorrow there are so many people coming up whittemore street and there is going to be a classic array of summer games. volleyball court, croquet, basketball on the court, four-wheeling, keg drinking, and sausage and onions eating.


i had a disheartening adventure today trying to find spanx. i found a non-spanx brand at wal*mart. they had sizes small through 2xl. reasonable right? well, after looking over their sizing chart i came to find out that a 2xl with this company is for a 34 waist! come on people. let's get realistic. i am not skinny. i am not even thin by any means. but my fucking boyfriend sure is and he has a 32 waist! i mean, someone his size being grouped in the 2xl group is just ludicris. also, a tad insulting. a smidgen humiliating. you name it, i was at wal*mart feeling it. fuck them. fuck wal*mart. krista told me that they supported bush, refuse to carry the plan b pill, and that there is no shame in storming out and body checking the old lady who asks for receipt as proof of purchase at the door.

ok, i made that last part up. but i definitely bought about 70 bucks worth of soda for jared's party and when i was leaving he went back to the sports department to buy a ball. i was stopped by this lady, the one who checks for your receipt and i was not permitted to leave the very epi-center of hell until jared came back with my receipt. upon jared's return, i showed the woman my receipt and she bowed to me and permitted me to pass. that's all i can say about that. the old lady at wal*mart bowed to me.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

this is violet.

she's 8 weeks old and my heart is breaking because i can not adopt her. i want a giant dog running around with me wherever i go. even out to dinner and to shows. i feel like i am incomplete without a dog.

there's just no way that i could ever give little violet the fullest attention that she deserves. i would love her endlessly but would have nowhere to put here while jared's at the studio, i'm at school, or when i go back on tour.

i am going to the mspca this week to finish my volunteer training. i want to volunteer somewhere and there is no cause i care more about than animal rescue. i think this will have a profoundly positive effect on my life. at least i hope so.

so long violet, and good luck.

also, everyone should come see campaign for real time tonight at great scott's. the show is prom themed and i can't wait to slow dance with jared. but to leave room for the holy spirit. amen.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

life without internet: a short story

hello again. so, before we get into all this, let's just get one thing straight......yes, i started a blog. yes, it was my intention to document the goings on of my life. but who am i to be so presumptuous to believe that anyone out there would care? care if i moved back to boston? care if i am recovering from a grueling surgery? care if the apartment jared and i are subletting has no internet? i mean honestly, do you people have nothing better to do? i sure hope not!

i could lay in bed from the moment i wake up until the moment i fall back asleep and do nothing but watch the simpsons with occasional bathroom breaks. it's not my fault. seasons 5-10 are especially spectacular and there's nothing to be ashamed of. not to mention i could do the same for king of the hill, daria, and south park. (i am a sucker for animated television series) i know that i am a musician and i do not own a t.v. and i am totally above the lowly suburban idiocy of television addiction but i can not resist. gimme a fucking break. i don't smoke cigarettes or stay out late drinking. and maybe we should just round up the alcohol addled masses and give them some dvd's of "the critic". it stinks.

back to this "the apartment i am staying at for the month of may does not have internet business". it's not a fucking joke. that's right. my 89 year-old grandmother who gave up her technological advances after the movable printing press has internet, but my temporary globe-trotting, grad students do not. i always wondered how that would feel. having the internet taken away from you like an ill-behaved child having it's favorite toy truck snatched away. poor little boy. i feel your pain. i too, feel as though i do not deserve this.

these days i am just working part-time at flour bakery and getting my shit together before i go back to school in september. you're goddamn right i am going back to school in september. might i also add that i am scared shitless. it's not fair. it's not fair that i, after all these years of unabashed, unwavering confidence (or cockiness, i guess i'll let you decide) am finally feeling the fear of failure settle in the back of my mind. i'm fucking scared. i can't help but answer the call of that relentless nagging. the nagging that reminds me that i did not in fact graduate from school and that yes, someday i might regret that. sitting on the sidelines of jared's graduation this past saturday killed me. i was so happy for him. so proud. he had accomplished something that a majority of people who he went to high school with will never do. but hey, what separates me from the leicester townies? i didn't graduate either. the resentment sets in. is it jared's fault that he stuck to it? of course not. but is it my fault that i left school to pursue a career doing the only thing i could ever see myself doing? again, no.

i can't help but feel that i failed somehow. it's not like i have nothing to show for the last 4 or so years. i have SO MUCH to show. that's not enough though. with all of my musical endeavors in the works i need to be doing something else with the free time that i inevitably will have. working 50 hours a week at city feed sure ain't gonna fuel my fire. it for damn sure didn't this past fall and winter. i might as well do something to better myself as a musician. i guess going back to berklee can't do any harm. so, yes. i will do it.

p.s. jared and i have our 2 year anniversary in june. and what better to mark the close of the two most wonderful years of my life than the opportunity for him to move to l.a. and begin working in a studio in hollywood. i am not even going to start in on this subject. at least, not until i can type in the comfort of my own home where i can sob and snivel over the keyboard with the comfort of knowing that all of these people at ula cafe can't see me. as far as i know.

well, i guess i will write again. whenever the wind blows and carries an internet signal my way.

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

12:28 a.m.

seth rogen is not funny. let's just get that out of the way.

ok. i just got back from wal*mart located in leicester, ma. there were a number of families there with teen-aged kids out grocery shopping. what the hell? i can not for the life of me recall one time when my mom rolled me out of bed at 11:30 at night and told me it was time to pick up some TIDE and a dozen eggs. i could feel my bones age as i shot "isn't it a little late for kids to be out right now?" out of the side of my mouth.

as jared and i waited in line he let me know that the 6'2" broomstick headed towards us (with a glorious string of a ponytail that even andrew w.k. would envy) used to go to school with him and insisted on wearing a black trenchcoat right after columbine. well, this guy and the rest of his d&d crew; the hob-goblin and the dwarf, came right behind us in in line.

so, ponytail is standing almost on top of jared's head and the line is taking forever. now, don't get me wrong; seeing jared in any sort of legitimate pain or distress kills me......BUT i do absolute relish in the thought of jared boiling because of a pack of nerds' close proximity. he sweats bullets! he gets so easily annoyed. he cracks me up.

side note: when a pregnant woman makes you mad, are you allowed to get bitchy with her?

i'm done for now.

Monday, March 30, 2009

back to the future

first official blog. stream of conscience cliff notes. who knows?

Cursive: Momma, I'm Swollen - if you were wondering how cursive would ever find it's way back in to your heart, to fill the hole that "Domestica" left, it's here. it's here and it's fucking huge. how does cursive manage to push themselves so far forward and yet always stay exactly how i remember them from the first record?

beyonce covered alanis morisette this week. i knew that bitch would eventually push too many of my buttons and ruin the beautiful relationship we had. it wasn't enough that she was getting away with jay-z AND those hips, but she had to go all gwen stefani on me. i'm pretty sure if i created an alter ego for myself my mom would send me to counseling.

it has been six weeks since i have been able to put my foot inside a shoe. i can't wait to run. i want to run into the foggy oblivion that is leicester, ma. sitting on my ass has allowed my brain far too much time to wander. my wandering mind creates anxiety for me and i REFUSE to let my anxiety come back and take over my life. i can feel it. a little piece of panic clings to every one of my bloods cell and drifts aimlessly through my body like it was the lazy river at splashdown.

i am going to buffalo for the weekend. jake is having a winter's over festival. three days of eating and laying around his house. seeing him this weekend is going to be so good for me. i have been completely shut off from the world and am starting to forget my friends' names.

i don't know if i am going to stick with this blog thing. maybe it will be good to put some of my thoughts outside of my brain. i don't need to sort through them or provide any reasoning for my thoughts. i can just put it here. right here.

hopefully, then, i can keep those thoughts from settling in my brain. there is no vacancy up there. i got lots of shit going on and have no room for the immeasurable "what-if's". it's exhausting.

clap on. clap off.