tomorrow is jared's graduation party. over 60 people have RSVP'd and there is catering for 100 people coming. my mom, bob, brother, sister, brother's girlfriend, and sister's boyfriend are all coming! yeeeeeees. i miss my family so much and totally relish in the time that i get to spend with them. things have been rough for my family lately and what always keeps us together is the quality time we spend with one another.
lately, i have been completely cut off from my father. i know that because of the fact that my brother lives with my dad, it must be really hard for this to be happening. i am choosing not to speak to my dad now because i don't think that anything positive can come from a conversation with him. he's not ready to take responsibility for his actions (or inactions) or apologize and even if he did, i wouldn't be ready to accept it.
the last time i called my father, i was leaving him a voicemail and about 12 seconds into it i started bawling my eyes out. i told him that i couldn't take the stress he was putting my family through any more and that due to that stress i was now back on anxiety medication. now just talking about my dad makes me dizzy. just writing this is increasing my heart rate. since leaving this message, my dad took his sweet ass time returning my call. the fact that he couldn't even return my call in a timely fashion was a clear sign to me that i do not register very high on his list of priorities. it is just far too painful for me to think about him. i do not like my step-mother and i am not optomistic about my future with my baby brother.
the silver lining to this raging rain cloud is that i think it has brought my sister and i closer together. my father and her have been having their own issues and i think she sees everyone else around her as a much more valuable presence in her life. i am thankful for this. this time last year i would have said that my sister had set a course to sail away from me and now the winds of change are returning her back where she belongs, right by my side.
as far as my brother goes, i will always love him. he knows that. but his agenda has always been one to keep the family all together no matter. i am hoping that the subject of my father does not come up. i don't want it to create a wedge between me and john. my heart would break if it created even the slightest crack in our relationship.
the fact of the matter is that my father has made so many bad decisions and he will probably never own up to them in a way that will make me feel as though his regret is sincere. i honestly don't even want to write about this anymore.
so ANYWAY! tomorrow there are so many people coming up whittemore street and there is going to be a classic array of summer games. volleyball court, croquet, basketball on the court, four-wheeling, keg drinking, and sausage and onions eating.
i had a disheartening adventure today trying to find spanx. i found a non-spanx brand at wal*mart. they had sizes small through 2xl. reasonable right? well, after looking over their sizing chart i came to find out that a 2xl with this company is for a 34 waist! come on people. let's get realistic. i am not skinny. i am not even thin by any means. but my fucking boyfriend sure is and he has a 32 waist! i mean, someone his size being grouped in the 2xl group is just ludicris. also, a tad insulting. a smidgen humiliating. you name it, i was at wal*mart feeling it. fuck them. fuck wal*mart. krista told me that they supported bush, refuse to carry the plan b pill, and that there is no shame in storming out and body checking the old lady who asks for receipt as proof of purchase at the door.
ok, i made that last part up. but i definitely bought about 70 bucks worth of soda for jared's party and when i was leaving he went back to the sports department to buy a ball. i was stopped by this lady, the one who checks for your receipt and i was not permitted to leave the very epi-center of hell until jared came back with my receipt. upon jared's return, i showed the woman my receipt and she bowed to me and permitted me to pass. that's all i can say about that. the old lady at wal*mart bowed to me.